Episode 31: Expecting sex simply because you’re married

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The main difference between a marriage relationship and all our other relationships is sex.

But the other side of this topic, just because you’re married, is sex expected?

This is what we tackle in this episode.

Show topics:

  • High desire spouse
  • Low desire spouse
  • Making a big move

__________

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Comments

  1. Joseph K says

    Good broadcast.

    Technical note however: Corey came through loud and clear but Gina was hard to hear. I had to turn the volume up to hear Gina clearly which caused Corey to become too loud.

    Joseph

  2. chuck says

    Just heard the latest broadcast and found it interesting. I was directed to the blog post that was the basis for the podcast by a link from a marriage forum, and commented on Corey’s site. So I was glad to see that you addressed the topic in the podcast.

    In listening to the ‘cast, I heard something that Gina said that, while it sounds good and “empowering” (as Gina likes to say), I don’t think really is going to cut it with a lot of wives who are the low desire/refusing spouse. At about the 30:00 mark, Gina says, “Assuming the same counsel with attitude of the higher desire spouse, for the woman, if it means opening yourself up a little bit more, do it with gusto, do it expecting pleasure, do it from your feminine strength. As a woman, move forward as a kind of woman that you would like to be, a woman who’s strong, and sensuous and successful….”

    And here’s where I think that a big problem exists. I believe that many Good Christian Women/Wives (aka GCW) DON’T want to be sensuous. I know that this is one of Gina’s signature messages (my wife has purchased something from Gina and gets her emails), but from my reading what many Christian husbands are writing, being sensuous is the LAST thing many GCWs want. Whether it be from bad teaching from pastors and teachers, or whether it be from….

    Nah, I’m pretty sure that in most cases of GCWs who don’t want to be sensuous, it’s due to bad theology about marriage and sexuality.

    So Gina’s advice of approaching “from the idea of being the sensuous woman you want to be” isn’t going to help, when that isn’t even a goal.

  3. Bryan says

    I listened to the show yesterday too. Kudos!

    Chuck,
    I think Gina’s characterization of the two kinds of low libido spouses is spot on, but there’s a nuance to one type. I think you may have gotten caught up in the nuance..

    Here’s what I think; of the low libido spouses, at one end of the spectrm you have one who says, “I know my libido is lower than my spouse’s is and I don’t care.” And at the other end of the spectrum you have a spouse who says, “I know my libido is lower than my spouse’s an I’m willing to do what it takes to find a solution that’s acceptable to both parties.”

    Some people do want a higher libido, but they don’t want to move too far outside their comfort zone to do it. They want the quick fix; give me a pill, Doctor. They don’t want to evaluate their thinking, theology, diet, or routine. Then there are others who will examine what they believe, what they’ve learned and the habits they’ve created. So, I think Chuck’s example of the GCW is just a point somewhere along that continuum.

  4. Ivan says

    Thank you for doing a follow up podcast. I didn’t expect that much of a response. I have some more thoughts after listing to this podcast.
    Regarding higher drive spouses being angry. You and others have mentioned how not helpful anger is to libido. I don’t think anyone is saying, you included, that. But to tell a spouse who is having a big part of what they expected from their marriage not working, to not be angry isn’t really helpful. Anger is a normal response to things that hurt us, to feeling tricked, to feeling taken for granted. Anger is a clue that something isn’t right. That’s why we feel anger when we see injustice. God feels anger when his people ignore him. Jesus was angry and cleared the temple court. When sex isn’t working, (in a mutual we don’t know why), or is being withheld (in a purposeful or negligent way) something isn’t right. Anger is a correct response.
    It is totally legitimate to say “I’m angry that what I need from our relationship to be connected and excited about our relationship is not here.” And “I’m angry that other non essential relationships and activities have displaced me on your priority list.” We can even go to “I’m angry that you are choosing to be selfish and take what I’m willingly giving, but aren’t contributing back. Our relationship is one sided and unbalanced.”
    Not all of these apply to all relationships. But are applicable to some of the relationships I’ve seen in real life and on the internet.
    When my wife found porn on my computer I didn’t say “You shouldn’t be angry because if you are it’s not going to bring me back towards you.” Or “Why are you angry, you don’t want to have sex anyway. I’m just going where I’m wanted.” (One of the lies of porn.) No! My wife was angry! And rightly so. Something was not right. It hurt. She was angry.
    How we handle our anger, where we handle our anger are very important questions. I don’t advocate flinging your anger at your spouse without thought or care. And I would even say that saying you are angry about it is alpha male behavior. Letting your spouse walk over you and get away with it is beta. Erotic in the short term? No, But in the long term it is.

    Second thought regarding the alpha vs bata conversation. Many husbands have started off in more of an alpha mode. But the response from wives who aren’t even able to handle their own sexuality. Much less a higher drive husband’s sexuality. Is to retreat and complain that they are being pressured into sex. I’ve heard from my wife “We had sex yesterday. Why do you want it again now?” Since these husbands love their wives and would never consider forcing sex, they have to back off. If being a strong man who desires his wife doesn’t work, most with try something else. So they try the requesting route. Which soon becomes the begging route. They learn that if their wife says no %90 of the time, then they have to ask 10 times before they get sex.
    Low desire spouses get hounded for sex because they have created this system they are now living in. Low desire spouses have created a no win situation for their mate. They have decided they want the power over their spouse, or they shouldn’t have to contribute to their marriage, or what ever it is.
    If low drive wives are tired of their husband begging for sex like kids beg for cookies, then they need to respond to their husband like he’s a man. If a husband looks at his wife and says “Hey beautiful!” do she smile and swish her hips as she’s making dinner? Or say “Don’t even think about it.”
    Some of the previous comments and Gina mentioned in the podcast that some low drive spouses wish they had higher drive. That is a different situation and needs to be addressed differently. But the low drive spouse is still responsible to bring their sexuality into their marriage. And from Gina’s own story of how trying something different in how she approached sex made the difference, it’s up to all of us to be growing and bringing the best of who we can be into our marriages.

    • Jessica says

      This sounds more like her way versus his way. What about finding a happy medium for both, knowing it’s not going to be perfect for either one of you individually, but perfect for both in the marriage.

      • Deborah says

        Amen sister. Mutual respect. Mutual submission. Mutual marriage. Marriage is TWO people, not just one (the HD getting what he wants). BOTH need to compromise and communicate with each other. There is NOTHING wrong with being LD, there is nothing wrong with being HD.

    • says

      I didn’t get the impression Corey was saying not to be angry but just to not approach your spouse in anger. So instead of “you never want to have sex with me!” one should try to make the ‘big move’ to say “I need to connect with you through sex more often” – and that might be the way of of the asking/denying cycle couples can find themselves in when it comes to sex.

  5. says

    This is the first episode I have listened to. I found this podcast after listening to Dr Allan on the Simple Mom Podcast (episode 19? which was also my fist time listening to her) Anyway, I am so glad to have found this podcast and this episode especially. Listening to this discussion really made me think and gave me courage to speak to my husband about our desire levels – I am most certain on the low end compared to him – and what that means and what we can do together to cause a change for the good.

    Thank you so much for your advice and for having such a straight forward conversation about sex in marriage. Will certainly be listening more.

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