Episode 91: What’s your fear?

What are you afraid of?

It’s a common question, but not often deeply explored.

That what we cover in this episode.

Show topics:

  • What’s underneath fear
  • How to overcome fear

__________

Got a question?

Let us know by calling the feedback line:

(615) 567-3996Ā or email us at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com.

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Comments

  1. Michele says

    Dear Corey & Gina,
    I’m SO disappointed in episode #91. I’ve been listening to your show since last summer, & have enjoyed it. Episode 91 really struck a deep cord & filled me with sadness to hear your views. When you addressed fear after infidelity, you didn’t mention the fear of not being wanted & loved by your spouse the way you thought they did. I didn’t once think of my neighbors, friends, relatives, being embarrassed or humiliated, I felt fearful that I really didn’t know the man I had just spent 18 wonderful years with. The love of my life wasn’t true to our commitment, our vow to each other (I’m not religious, but it’s a special commitment to atheists as well). I was shocked Corey when you stated you had never counseled a couple that the person cheated on didn’t have a clue or an inkling. You haven’t seen me for counseling but we have exchanged emails, so let me be the first, I had NO CLUE! He was my Prince Charming (and still is, we’re 1 yr post), I really thought my marriage was as perfect as one could get, we’re very close. I’ve never had the rug pulled out from under me so hard or quick, I was offended by your remark of I knew & just didn’t want to face up to it.
    I’ve never had one of your podcast stir such unpleasant feelings, I came close to giving you something much less than 5 stars on iTunes for this one.

    Your listener,
    Michele

    • Corey says

      Sorry that this episode created such sadness for you. I was drawing from my practice (which I realize doesn’t include everyone’s experiences).

      Thank you for sticking with us.

    • says

      Oh Michelle, I’m so sorry this episode triggered such unpleasant feelings for you. That’s never the intention. You went through a real trauma and I’m honored that you’ve listened to our show for so long as you walk this journey.

  2. Rick says

    Your latest episode got me thinking.

    My biggest fear regarding marriage is the fear of being trapped. I find the concept of monogamy extremely limiting.

    To be clear, I am not talking about cheating, lying, or sneaking around. If one promised to be monogamous and then snuck around and violated that agreement, relationships would surely suffer. If instead two people set the rules of the relationship to allow something else, and then acted in congruence with the rules that they had mutually agreed upon, I see no problem.

    I am talking about:
    * Being completely honest and transparent in all things to all parties involved.
    * Consciously defining the parameters of each relationship. (Consciously creating the relationship.)
    * Co-creating multiple cooperative relationships. Each one set up so that everyone involved cooperates with each other to help everyone get their needs met.
    * Interacting with mature adults who do what is right for them. Who take full responsibility for getting their needs met. And who take accountability for their actions, feelings, and choices.

    You often talk about integrity. Living in integrity is very important to me as well. Integrity means congruence of word, thought, and deed. If I say A-B-C, think A-B-C, and act A-B-C… that is living in integrity.

    I find that the mythology of monogamy sets most people up to fail. The unspoken expectations are almost endless… Your one-and-only is your soul mate. They are one one person with whom you are 100 percent sexually and emotionally compatible. They are your “other half” with whom you share the same values about everything. He or she will fulfill all of your needs – physical, emotional, psychological, affectionate, financial, romantic, sexual, and spiritual. If you are truly in love, you will never have any desire for anything from anyone else.

    These unspoken expectations of monogamy are unrealistic and unattainable.

    No one person can be your “everything”. Paul even said as much in your last episode, “…don’t put all your eggs in one basket. You don’t put it all on your spouse. We have multiple types of needs, wants, and desires in life. And our spouse is not intended to fulfill them ALL… So find good friends. Find other couple friends, find same gender friends to go do things with. Find other circles of other groups of people you can be a part of, and do life with. So that you take some pressure off your spouse…”

    Why do you hold so tight to the idea that one person has to be your “everything” sexually? When you agree that it is not a good idea to demand that your spouse be your “everything” socially, intellectually, etc.

    Also, please do not give me the answer that God or religion requires things to be that way. Both of you are very clear, and state up front that you are religious people. That’s fine. If your personal philosophies make each of you happier, healthier, more self-actualized people – I have no problem with that! However, an answer that boils down to, “Because my invisible friend says so.” carries no weight with me.

    Respectfully,
    Rick

    • Corey says

      “mythology of monogamy” – I agree with most of your comments. Such as:
      “* Being completely honest and transparent in all things to all parties involved.
      * Consciously defining the parameters of each relationship. (Consciously creating the relationship.)
      * Co-creating multiple cooperative relationships. Each one set up so that everyone involved cooperates with each other to help everyone get their needs met.
      * Interacting with mature adults who do what is right for them. Who take full responsibility for getting their needs met. And who take accountability for their actions, feelings, and choices.”

      Yes, I do believe (and have) several close relationships that I use to meet my needs and wants, but I choose to only have sex with one person. It’s a choice. Not everyone wants to make this choice – but it’s one I believe in.

      Sex changes things between people because it’s more than just an act. There’s a connection and bond created. And that connection gets cloudy when it’s shared beyond one other person.

  3. says

    Hey Rick,
    I totally respect your questions about a monogamous relationship, especially in light of needing substance beyond instruction from an “imaginary friend.” :) It definitely is my faith conviction that makes me hold tightly to the idea of being sexually faithful to just my covenant partner. There are couples across the globe who seem to live successfully in just the open relationship you describe. However, in any case, happiness is an inside job. We celebrate life with another person, but looking to 1 partner or several for our love, joy and peace is a losing proposition.

    So even if I tossed out my Biblical beliefs, I would still find it’s much easier to commit to one person to create a full, rich life together.

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