Episode 17: Keep your pants on

Welcome to a Bonus Episode of Sexy Marriage Radio.

Today’s show includes an interview with Kelly Chicas, author of Keep Your Pants On: Preventing Infidelity in Your Marriage.

As you can guess from the title, we’re talking about affairs.

Kelly offers her insight on ways to prevent infidelity and we discuss how you can recover from an affair in your marriage.

Be sure to check out her book for even more information.

Keep Your Pants On: Preventing Infidelity in Your Marriage.


Got a question?

Let us know by calling the feedback line:

(615) 567-3996Ā or email us at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com.

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  1. Rob says

    I realize that this is a late post to the Podcast, but I am a new listener to the program. I understand the theory involved with “being the best you” and the ripple effect of positivity it is supposed to have on the relationship. I have a few issues and I’m not sure if you have covered them since this show was posted.
    1) When being the best you becomes the new normal and is still taken for granted, what does one do then?
    2) How do you continue to be the best you while facing a empty feeling in the relationship? What support is there for this process?
    3) Isn’t being the best you and standing up for integrity dangerously close to doing so with an attachment on it positively impacting or improving the relationship?
    4) How does one stay interested in a relationship with a non-affectionate or emotionally unavailable partner? (Case in point, in my situation moving from orbiter to non orbit has changed nothing and I find that I am losing interest in continuing the relationship.)
    5) What if your partner ultimately does not respond to you increasing your “sex-rank” or your differentiation process? Is this a more healthy form of growing a part?

    • Sheila says

      Hello Rob from a fellow help seeker.
      1) Ideally, you are being the best you for your own sake, not to impress someone else.
      2) This is where you self-soothe. Don’t depend on your partner to fill up the empty space. (You don’t have to pretend it’s easy, give yourself permission to grieve now and then.)
      3) It depends on why you’re doing it. If that’s your motive, you’ve missed the point. Equally, if you do this with the motive of being able to dump your partner and say “Well, I tried and I took the high road,” you have also missed the point. You do it with the motive of focusing on that which you can control, regardless of the outcome.
      4) I don’t really know how you stay interested, but your case in point reflects that you are still attached to outcome. It also sounds like your needs for affection and emotional connection are not being met. Please be sure to speak up in a loving way for what you need. Beware of coming across needy (i.e. begging), though, that is not attractive. If sex is the way you receive affection and emotional connection, make sure to express that this is what you feel is missing. Other things to think about: is your partner showing affection in a different love language that you are not recognizing? Are you meeting their needs and speaking their love language? Doing anything else to “initiate” the emotional connection? Or are you depending on them to do the initiating?
      5) a) Besides sex rank and differentiation, how is your leadership coming along? I’d say that’s at least as important, if not more so. Like, really, hugely important. b) Regarding what to do, you have to decide that for yourself based on your own beliefs and values. Just don’t overlook the value of patience. Change doesn’t happen overnight.

      I hope you don’t think I’m treating you flippantly. I am going through a very similar process and I feel your pain. I know it is really, really hard, and you should be proud of yourself for getting help and not taking the easy way out.

  2. Gary says

    I would take issue with the interviewed author’s statement that “nobody wakes up and decides to have an affair”, and that, instead, (the author’s view) what happens is that people slip into an affair because of temptation and opportunity. I agree with the author on many of her points, but she’s describing only the common stereotypical affair where someone falls in love somewhat out of control, the affair is discovered, and the betrayed spouse is upset. Those three things don’t happen in all affairs, and in a very few cases none of those things happens. Some affairs are very deliberate, especially in cases of long-suffered neglect and failed attempts to fix the marriage with a stonewalling spouse. Some affairs are never discovered at all, and life goes on. And in some cases the betrayed spouse becomes aware but chooses to not protest because they have too much to loose and realize the affair is limited to aspects they aren’t interested in fulfilling with their spouse in any case, or are happy that their spouse has found a way to be happy as long as it doesn’t disrupt other aspects of the marriage.

    Also, it’s not uncommon for people in mid-life or later to separate and live with new partners, and never officially divorce their old marriage partners. Often the reason is that property, retirements, insurance, children and inheritance setups, are all happily arranged and the empty-nest people see the change as only involve their love. They see no reason to realign all those other things just because they’re living with a new person, with whom they will never have children, etc. I’ve seen that in my own extended family and it worked out fairly well for everyone. But they kept it quiet because the biggest problem would probably have been the disapproval and judgements by more conventional people.

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