Episode 18: How to Handle Feeling Powerless

The simple truth is that every marriage has a high desire partner and a low desire partner. One spouse will want sex more than the other.

This dynamic creates the situation where the low desire partner will control sex, so if you’re the high desire partner, how do you handle the feelings of powerlessness that come along with this?

That’s today’s show.

Show topics:

  • High desire and low desire
  • Creating a better you


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  1. Kristin says

    On the selfishness question….I’m thinking there’s a difference between being selfish to the exclusion of others and being self-attentive or self-soothing or self-aware. Lately my husband has been more focused on getting his needs met and less hesitant to speak openly about what he doesn’t like about me. And even though it stings for a second, I am finding myself more attracted to him in those moments. I think it’s because its very clear where he ends and I begin, and I find the clarity of the boundaries comforting as well as exhilarating. Its funny, though – if you’d asked me a year ago “do you wish your husband were more or less selfish?” I would have definitely said less. Now I see that “being selfish” doesn’t mean the other person has to lose.

  2. Rob says

    I realize that this is a late post to the Podcast, but I am a new listener to the program. I understand the theory involved with “being the best you” and the ripple effect of positivity it is supposed to have on the relationship. I have a few issues and I’m not sure if you have covered them since this show was posted.
    1) When being the best you becomes the new normal and is still taken for granted, what does one do then?
    2) How do you continue to be the best you while facing a empty feeling in the relationship? What support is there for this process?
    3) Isn’t being the best you and standing up for integrity dangerously close to doing so with an attachment on it positively impacting or improving the relationship?
    4) How does one stay interested in a relationship with a non-affectionate or emotionally unavailable partner? (Case in point, in my situation moving from orbiter to non orbit has changed nothing and I find that I am losing interest in continuing the relationship.)
    5) What if your partner ultimately does not respond to you increasing your “sex-rank” or your differentiation process? Is this a more healthy form of growing a part?

    • Corey says

      Hey Rob, welcome.

      You bring up some great questions. Some of which will make for great future shows. To sum up my thoughts initially, we are forever in the process of becoming, so we will create new levels of normal, then grow, create a new level of normal, grown, … you get the idea. If as you grow you are being rejected by your spouse, then the relationship is going to fall apart. Unfortunately this is a dynamic in every system. You can still choose to stay, but it has to be your choice.

      Usually as part of this process, one of your levels of growth will bring about critical mass for your spouse and they’ll either work to get you back to the way things were, grow themselves, or the relationship falls apart. There’s more about this idea here: http://simplemarriage.net/playground/

      Keep listening for more answers in upcoming shows.

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